The last two days I have felt a whirlwind of emotions. I started this blog in order to tell you what God is teaching me, what I'm studying in His Word....as an invitation for you to join me on my journey, and hope that somehow, someway, God would use this blog as a light for His Kingdom. But I know that if that is to happen I need to be transparent... honest...and willing to share my struggles.
Well, friends the last two days have been a struggle. Actually...it has been a lot longer than that, but the last two days brought a lot of things crashing down inside me. I've been discussing with myself predestination. God is all knowing. He is all powerful. He is sovereign. For whatever reason, God in His great mercy, let His Son, Jesus, bear my sins on the cross. In His grace, He has called me His own daughter, redeeming me from an eternity apart from Him. There are many reasons why we, as humans, fight the sovereignty of God....or should I say, fight the idea of His sovereignty. We want to be in control. We want all of our choices and ideas to be our own. We want to take credit. We want to be individuals. We want to be self-sufficient. And the list can go on, and on, and on. But that doesn't take away from the Truth that we all know.
As a believer in Christ, I also have to believe in the Sovereignty of God. The Holy Spirit draws me into that Truth. There is no denying it. The same God that gave me cysts on my ovaries is the same God that healed me from those cysts and is enabling me to carry mine and Zane's first child. The same God that chose my wonderful parents here in the United States of America is the same God that chose for the child in Romania in the baby orphanage to have parents that would abandon her. The same God that breaks us is the same God that heals us.
For me, no matter how much I believe this, it is still so much to take in. Then again, if I weren't overwhelmed by my God and the thought of all He is....well....that is a heart issue that we won't get into tonight.
So, in light of Sunday night's announcement, and the death of Osama Bin Laden, all of these thoughts that were already bouncing around in my head came to the forefront of my mind. My initial reaction: Praise God! The next morning, praise God! And every moment since, praise God! But me praising God hasn't completely been in rejoicing.
When we were attacked on 9/11, my Pastor began asking us to pray that God would change OBL heart for His Kingdom, or that God would take him away. Do I wholeheartedly believe that God allowed OBL death to happen? Oh yes! And that he should be rotting in hell for his actions against Americans....the world...and fellow brothers and sisters in Christ? Most definitely, he should be.
But as I've had time to chew on what is really going on in my heart, I stood ashamed. Shouldn't I also be sharing in that same fate? Sure, he outwardly killed thousands. Tens of thousands with his many attacks. But how many times have I killed in my heart? I am usually one that is broken for the lost....but what I said to my friend yesterday morning at work shocked me...and was a revealing of what was in my heart. I said, and at the risk of you seeing the ugliness within I will quote what I said: "I'm pretty sure God predestined Osama to go to hell. And that is where he belongs."
Please understand that this is not me just trying to say what I 'should' be feeling. I truly am wrestling with how I feel in my heart and how I know I should feel. How I should rejoice in all circumstances for this is God's will, and how I should mourn also for the eternal separation from God.
I know that Christians everywhere are struggling with their reactions...and judging the reactions of fellow believers. I've done the same. But we are not all going to agree on how we should respond to this. Everyone experienced the attacks differently. We all longed for justice in different ways. But ultimately, this is a time to rejoice in God's will and the timing of His will, and mourn as well, for those who do not know Him, who do not worship Him, who are headed for a life of eternal separation from Him. While I rejoice that Osama Bin Laden can no longer hurt anyone and that justice has been served, I mourn for the lost and for those who do not know God....for those that live unapologetically opposed to Him.
I pray that God can use this time for His glory. That somehow, someway, God will raise His church up to pray for the lost and to show the lost who He is....and for our reactions, however human they may be, to not get in the way of what our Father is doing. And I pray that God will continue to break me and kill the sin within me. I know that I still need to be refined in the fire, and I pray that God will do so continually.